


To Sin In Loving Virtue

by meeda



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Agnostic Rey, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bible Study, Bible Study Ben, Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Confessional, Cunnilingus, F/M, Flashbacks, God is a Reylo, Loss of Virginity, Morality, Priest Ben Solo, Priest Kink, Religion Kink, Religious Discussion, Slut Shaming, Temptation, Tutoring, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, conversion therapy, priestlo, sin - Freeform, the last tag might just be my ticket into Hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-10-05 19:03:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20493737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meeda/pseuds/meeda
Summary: Rey's life is at a depressing standstill. She's convinced God is punishing her for a sin from her past. To cleanse her soul, Rey goes to confession. What happens when her confession brings back the one person she sinned against seven years ago?





	1. Part 1 - The Reunion of Lost Souls

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my wonderful House Dadam Puffs for their support and filthy minds. 
> 
> Come talk to me on Twitter: @MeedaWrites :)

_ O cunning enemy, that, to catch a saint, _

_ With saints dost bait thy hook! Most dangerous _

_ Is that temptation that doth goad us on _

_ To sin in loving virtue… _

_ _ \- Act 2, Scene 2, Measure For Measure, William Shakespeare _ _

She drank too much at the going away party. It was more than likely she had embarrassed herself by crying when it was time to hug Rose goodbye, but Rey was too hungover to care. Self pity had been the cloud that hung around her the whole evening. Foolishly, she had hoped the more champagne she drank, the happier she could trick herself into feeling. But that wasn’t the case. It only forced her to see the truth of the matter: Rey’s life was going nowhere. 

Despite her college degree in engineering, Rey managed to botch every interview she’d been asked to. Instead, she ended up landing a job as a mechanic in a run down car shop. She barely made enough money to pay the rent on her studio apartment. On top of that, her love life was nonexistent. The only men she ever met were the dirtbags Plutt tricked into coming to the shop for repairs at questionable prices. 

Meanwhile, her best friends were all embarking on new chapters in their lives. Finn and Poe had already been in California for a year, married and happily building the business side of the vineyard they bought. Rey slowly rolled over in her bed and looked over at the clock. 10AM. Rose would be on the plane by now, already on her way to Washington D.C. to head up a new social program for children in need. Another wave of self pity washed over Rey as she realized this meant she had no friends left in the city. Her stomach growled. Climbing out of bed, she checked her wallet to see if she had enough money for a breakfast burrito from the bodega a couple blocks away. It would be the only meal she’d have today until she got paid tomorrow. 

Ignoring the cracks in the rusted tiles of her minuscule bathroom, Rey took a quick shower in the lukewarm water that sputtered from the shower head. _ God, what would she give for a hot shower with full water pressure. _She allowed herself to imagine what kind of life she’d have if things hadn't all gone to shit since graduating college. How long had it been since then? Three years or was it four? After dressing herself in leggings and a worn grey sweatshirt, Rey pulled her sneakers on and headed out the door to grab her breakfast. 

The streets were practically empty, given it was a Thursday morning and most people were already at work. Heavy clouds hung overhead and a chill was in the air. When had it turned into Fall already, Rey wondered. It seemed time was also moving on without letting her keep up. She finally saw the bodega coming up in the distance. Her stomach growled again, letting her know she should hurry her steps. Rey groaned as she reached the door and saw a sign taped to the outside: 

“CLOSED TODAY FOR FAMILY WEDDING. WILL REOPEN TOMORROW.” 

She hit her fist against the door in frustration. Her eyes began to sting as tears welled up. Of course a breakfast burrito would be her emotionally undoing. Rey felt at a loss. It wasn’t just the lost meal, it was everything gone wrong in her life in the past 3 years. God must be punishing her. She thought back to all the sins she had committed in her life and one in particular stood out as if it had been placed under a spotlight. As rain began to drip from the sky, Rey walked down the next street over as tears streamed down her face. She was desperate, sad, and lonely. Rey wanted to have a word with God.

The cathedral loomed over her as she rushed to the doors, soaked to the bone from the rain. A rush of heat warmed her wet skin when she shoved the heavy door aside and walked into the stone church. Water dripped off her hair and clothes onto the carpeted floors of the entryway. Rey added that to the list of guilts she was already bearing. She continued through another set of open doors into the nave of the sacred building. The colors glimmering off the stained glass windows blended together like a watercolor through her teary eyes. Warm light shone off the candles that had been lit around the nave and it reflected across her sullen face as she walked down the aisle and sat herself in an empty pew. 

The choked sob that escaped her echoed off the tall walls, making her realize just how empty the church truly was. Rey sunk down so her knees rested on the small pads jutting from the back of the pew in front of her, her hands clasped tightly together. This felt so foreign to her. It had been so long since the last time she prayed, let alone since she bought into the concept of a God. Tears continued to flow as she tried to think of the right words to say to make God listen. Nothing came to mind, so she huffed and sat back into the pew, cradling her head in her hands. 

A warm hand began to rub her back. Rey looked up to see a small nun with large, coke-bottle glasses comforting her. “Something weighing on your mind, child?” 

Her compassionate smile distracted Rey enough to pause her tears. The nun held up a box of tissues. Rey reached out and took one to blow her nose and another to dab at the tears on her cheeks. 

“A lot is weighing on my mind. I’m afraid that God is punishing me and I’m not sure how to make him stop,” Rey said with a sniffle. 

The nun regarded her for a moment. “Perhaps, God is not punishing you, but trying to get your attention.” 

A wet laugh fell from Rey’s lips as she continued to stall her crying. “He certainly has a cruel way of doing it, if that’s the case,” she scoffed. 

“In my experience, God is doing far more with our suffering than we realize at the time. What we may see as cruelty is actually an act of loving guidance, in the end. God does not send you tests that you cannot handle, my dear,” the nun said softly. She laughed a little to herself and pulled a small piece of paper from her pocket.

Handing the paper to Rey, she said, “This was my verse of the day. I think you could use it more than me today.”

Rey read the scripture printed on the paper: 

_ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” _

Rey took in the words silently for a moment. “So, hypothetically, if God wants me to make a change, how would I even start?” 

The nun stood and gestured towards a side room. “Those questions would be better suited for Father Ren. He’s listening to confessions for the next two hours. Your mind might settle a bit, dear, if you confess your sins. He can give you counsel as to how to proceed from there.”

Rey stood from the pew and walked towards the little vestibule. Inside, there sat a large, wooden confessional booth. Ornate designs were carved on the two doors depicting angels flying above the mortals knelt in prayer. The door to the left opened and an elderly man stepped out, holding a bible and baseball cap to his chest. He offered Rey a small smile as he put his hat back on and walked past her into the nave of the cathedral. At least Rey didn’t have to wonder if anyone was in there confessing. If she was going to do this, the time was now. 

Stepping into her side of the booth, Rey closed the door softly behind her. She could smell the rain on herself, the small space not having much ventilation. The scent of wet hair and wood filled her nostrils. There was a cushioned seat waiting for her to sit in, but Rey was too worried about drenching the cushion and causing anyone confessing after her to suffer through it. So, she knelt instead, facing the dappled screen that separated her from the priest on the other side.

It was dark inside the booth. Very little light had room to enter the space, which was a stark contrast to the bright light of the main church area. Despite the lack of light, it was warm. In here, it felt like being in a cocoon or back in the womb. 

“Please begin whenever you’re ready,” a deep voice reverberated from the other side of the booth. The timbre of it cause Rey to be startled out of her thoughts. 

Rey had to wrack her brain to remember exactly how this all went. It had been so many years since she had last done this; Rey hoped nothing had changed. 

She began to whisper, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been…” 

_ Oh God, how many years has it been? _

“...about s-seven years since my last confession,” Rey managed to stammer out. “I’m sorry, I don’t really remember what else I’m supposed to do to start this off.”

The deep voice responded, “That’s alright, I can guide you. Make the sign of the cross and then list your sins.” 

“Right, okay,” Rey said. She brought her right hand up to make the sign of the cross and then brought it back down to claps her left hand, once again. She could barely make out the shape of the priest on the other side of the screen. The anonymity making her brave enough to continue. 

“Um...I guess I should start by confessing that I’m not really a Catholic. I mean, I was _ almost _ one. In college, I was working towards getting baptized. But, the nun with the glasses said I should come in here and confess because I have questions about God and faith,” she said quickly, her nerves causing her to ramble. 

“I’ll do my best to answer them. What would you like to discuss,” the priest asked. She heard him move slightly, as if to make himself more comfortable for a longer discussion.

Rey took a deep breath and shuffled nervously on her knees, the wood creaking from her movements. “I’m convinced God is punishing me for my sins. See, I haven’t been a very good person. My life is at a standstill and everyone around me is moving on. I’ve tried to make changes to improve my life, but something keeps holding me back. If I have an interview, I’ll get a flat tire on the way there. If I get asked out on a date, the guy will cancel last minute. It’s been like that for years. God knows what I did, but...How am I supposed to convince God that I’m sorry -- that I regret what I've done?” 

Fresh tears were falling down her cheeks. She heard a low tapping of fingers on the other side of the booth; the priest fiddling with the Bible in his hands. The sound stopped and the priest cleared his throat softly.

“God knows our hearts. If you have regret, I’d venture to guess He’s already aware of it. However, God also knows that you haven’t been devoted to Him. Us Catholics like to practice Acts of Penance. Depending on the severity of your sins, I give you a prayer or an act of service to perform. These acts show God that you are devoted to cleansing your soul and to Him. So, if you’re comfortable telling me the sins you committed, I can suggest your Act of Penance,” he said, his voice kind and understanding. 

“And what if my sins are unforgivable? What then?” Rey whispered. 

Another clearing of his throat. “That’s the beauty of God; no sin is unforgivable in his eyes.”

Taking a shaky breath, Rey began her confession. “There was a boy. Well, more a man than a boy. He was a man of God. And he was _ so beautiful _. I suppose that’s the first sin: lust. He was studying to become a church leader at the time. One day, he offered to teach me the Bible. I wasn’t looking for God back then, but I agreed anyway because I was selfish. Foolishly, I thought I could turn him away from his faith so we could be together. I learned he had some doubts about his faith and I preyed on all of them. But, over time, my lust for him turned to something deeper, softer. I envied his kindness, compassion, and his ability to turn his own pain into empathy. His goodness only made me more determined to be with him. It was like that Shakespeare quote: ‘Most dangerous is that temptation that doth goad us on to sin in loving virtue.’”

A loud thunk reverberated inside the booth. The priest had dropped his Bible. Rey thought she heard him recover it, but he stayed silent as the grave. So, she continued.

“I began to worry about him. His mentor was a zealot and I feared he’d follow in the same path. One night, I took things too far. He finally gave in to my temptation. Then, he left so fast I -- Father, I truly thought I was helping him. I’ve never seen him since and I sit every day with this guilt and this fear that I ruined his life. _ That _ is why God is punishing me and I don’t think there are _ any _ Acts of Penance that can help me now,” she sobbed. 

More silence from the other side. Then, the sound of a door closing. He had left. Rey felt her stomach drop for there truly was no saving her. The priest had heard her sins and was probably preparing to chase her out of the cathedral dousing her in holy water and calling her a Jezebel. She rested her forehead against her hands and began to cry again. 

The door to her side of the booth was ripped open and the golden light from the main church flooded inside. Rey looked up to see the silhouette of the priest as he stood in the doorway. His shoulders were heaving and he slowly stepped closer to her. As her eyes adjusted to the light, she took in his face and gasped. 

His dark eyes were glistening with tears as he whispered, “Rey?” 

  



	2. Part 2: The Meeting of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We flashback 7 years to when Rey first meets her roommate Rose and a certain tall, dark and religious bloke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for being so patient with me on this chapter! I had a nasty case of writers block, but I managed to get through it! Now, let's see how Rey and Ben met, shall we? 
> 
> Come talk to me on Twitter @MeedaWrites :)

_ 7 years earlier… _

Sweat dripped from Rey’s brow as she carried yet another box down the hall of the dormitory building. Move-in Day was in full swing, and she had to dodge nervous students and their misty-eyed parents to get to her room at the end of the hallway. Rey didn’t quite understand what all the fuss was about. It was just a different bed under a different roof. Nothing she hadn’t experienced before. 

When she had first stepped into the dorm earlier that day, Rey let go a sigh of relief to see that she wouldn’t have to share a bed. She felt silly for even assuming that a top university like Naboo U would even require that of its new students. Apparently, her low expectations from her time in the foster system would follow her even though she had been free of it for weeks. She was only 18, perhaps she’d learn to expect more from the world in time. Getting closer to the doorway, Rey could hear voices inside. Her roommate had arrived while she was downstairs grabbing another box. 

“No, no, that should go on the desk. And where did you put all of my shoes?” 

“Rose, calm down. They’re right behind you, in the box by the closet like you told me.” 

“Ugh, sorry, I’m all frazzled.”

Rey observed the two girls now occupying the space in the cramped dorm. One tall with long, dark hair pulled into a braid that would flick behind her as she sorted boxes from one end of the room to the other. The shorter girl, who Rey now knew was named Rose, was grabbing pairs of shoes and lining them up on one side of the closet. Her curls bouncing whenever she would bend to grab another pair. Rey cleared her throat softly to alert them of her presence. Both heads of dark hair whipped around to face her. 

“Hi, I’m Rey,” she said softly. She wouldn’t give up more than that. Not at a first meeting. Rey had learned her lesson about giving too much away too fast.

Rose practically skipped across the small dorm room to make her way over to Rey and held her hand out for a shake. Rey gently put the box she hold down next to her side and took Rose’s hand. Rose vigorously shook their arms, causing the ends of her hair to bounce.

“Hey there! My name is Rose and this is my sister Paige,” she said, gesturing to her sister. “I’m so excited to finally meet you! I’ve been wondering what you’d look like. I saw on my orientation sheet that my roommate’s name was Rey and all I could picture was a trucker who eats sad fast food meals in a truck stop. And you are much prettier than the average truck driver. I -” 

A small cough from Paige broke Rose’s speech. Rose blushed. 

“Oh, sorry, I’m doing the thing,” she said. 

Taking her hand back slowly, Rey asked, “What...thing?”

“I babble when I get nervous,” Rose stated, sounding slightly ashamed. 

Paige walked over and placed her arms around Rose.

“She calls it ‘babbling,’ I call it ‘word vomit,’” Paige said with a giggle. Rose gripped Paige’s arm that rested against her chest, threw her head back, and laughed.

Rey nodded slightly and gave a polite smile to acknowledge Paige’s joke. Seeing the two girls act so close made Rey feel prickly. A wave of guilt washed over her at the realization. They were perfectly nice. Hell, her roommate was pure fucking sunshine. There was just something about seeing happy families that put Rey on edge. 

“Do you want to come eat with us when we finish unpacking? Or do you and your family already have plans?” Rey stiffened at Rose’s question. 

“My family already left,” Rey lied.

Technically, it wasn’t a total lie. Rey’s case worker, Maz, had dropped her off on campus a couple of hours ago. Sadly, Maz had been the only consistent in Rey’s life growing up; the closest thing to family that she knew. Maz was assigned to Rey and placed her in a foster home after Rey turned five. Maz was the one to check in on Rey to make sure she was adjusting well to her foster parents and siblings. Maz was the one who would raise hell and pull strings to get Rey placed somewhere else if she even caught a whiff of abuse or neglect during their check-ins. She wasn’t able to protect Rey from every bad situation over the years, but Maz had done her best. For that, Rey was grateful. 

With a teary smile, Maz wished her luck before driving off back to the city and back to a new kid who needed her watchful eye. As for Rey, she was used to seeing Maz drive away -- leaving her to learn how to survive in a new place with complete strangers. The sadness she felt at seeing the back of Maz’s beat-up Chevy truck had dissolved throughout the years. 

Rose gasped, “Oh, well then you _ have _ to come eat with us. I can’t leave you in the dorm all by yourself! Not on the first day away from home, at least.”

Rey couldn’t think of a reason to say no. 

* * *

After unpacking the rest of their boxes, the girls walked down the street to Dex’s Diner. They slid into a booth, Rose and Paige next to one another and Rey getting the other side to herself. Paige offered to pay for them all as a goodbye treat to Rose. At the mention of goodbye, Rose’s eyes grew a bit teary, but she managed to hide it from her sister’s peripheral vision. Rey ordered a kid’s milkshake and cheese fries, feigning not being overly hungry. In reality, she was starving, but didn’t want to impose on Paige’s generosity. 

“So, have you picked a major yet?” Rose asked with a little fake enthusiasm. 

“Yeah, I’m studying mechanical engineering. What about you?” Rey fiddled with her straw wrapper as she asked. 

Rose perked up and said, “Oh, wow, I’m an idiot when it comes to math! Good for you. I’m thinking about getting a degree in social work and minoring in marketing. Figured that’s a good foundation to intern for a non profit next year. Well, that and my past mission trips.” 

“Mission trips?” 

“Yeah! With our church. Paige and I went to Colombia last summer and helped out at an orphanage. The kids were so sweet and the trip really helped us reconnect with our faith.” Both Paige and Rose nodded to each other as they picked at their fries.

_ Oh, great, my roommate is a Jesus freak. _ Rey had to fight from rolling her eyes. After living with a woman who tried to “save” her when she was 8 by forcing her to write Bible verses until her fingers were raw, Rey always felt a little _ off _ about evangelicals. She didn’t really hold anything against people who believed in God. Rey herself believed in a higher power. However, organized religion has such a potential for corruption and manipulation that it made Rey squirm when she was around it. Rey took a long sip of her milkshake and changed the subject. 

“Well, since we’ll be rooming together, I’ve gotta know: do you snore?”

* * *

The rest of the meal went smoothly. Rey stuck to safer topics and decided that her roommate just might be too pure for this world. Rose was kind, open, and trusting. All things Rey secretly wished she could be if her circumstances had been any different. 

Paige dropped them back off at the dorm. After a long hug goodbye with Rose, she left, leaving the two girls to finish settling into their new living space. Rey grabbed her final box of books and started organizing them on the small shelf she had hung above her bed. Maz had gifted her a library card when Rey turned 10 years old. Walking to the public library after school and pouring over books allowed Rey a reprieve from her turbulent life at home...or homes. A particularly rough day at school had her showing up to the library in tears. A kind librarian set her up in a beanbag chair with a tape player and headphones. Rey discovered a collection of recorded Shakespeare plays on tape and lost herself listening to the prose as she read along. Slowly brushing her hand over her copy of Romeo & Juliet, Rey sighed and then placed it lovingly on the shelf with its companions. A sniffle behind her made her turn around. 

Rose was curled up in her bed crying. Rey quickly climbed down off her bed and walked over to her. “Rose, what’s the matter?”

Through her sobs, Rose managed to say, “I...miss...home.” 

Rey awkwardly patted her shoulder. She was never good around criers. “Oh, okay. I get it. Well, let’s distract you then. That works for me when I’m sad. Do you want to go for a walk?”

“No, everybody will stare at me crying like this!” Rose threw herself down on her pillow. 

Rey bit her lip. “Right...right. How about we watch a movie? I found this website that has like any movie you can think of for free.”

Rose’s crying paused. After a beat, she asked, “Can we watch 27 Dresses?” 

“Yeah, whatever you want.” Rey stood and grabbed the laptop off her bed. When she returned to Rose’s side of the room, she saw Rose had rearranged her pillows so the two of them could sit next to one another comfortably. _ Too pure for this world. _Plopping down next to Rose, she pulled up the website and started the movie. 

“I love this movie. Have you ever seen it?” Rose asked as she snuggled down against the pillows.

“Nope.”

“Oh, I hope you like it! I watch it whenever I’m sick or sad or just need a pick-me-up.” 

_ Great. _

By the time Katherine Heigl and James Marsden were singing ‘Benny and the Jets’ on top of the bar, Rose was back to her bubbly self. The girls were sharing Rose’s blanket and eating slightly burnt popcorn. Rose turned to Rey. 

“Thank you, by the way. You didn’t have to sit here and babysit me, but I’m happy you did.” 

Rey laughed softly and nudged Rose with her shoulder. “It’s not babysitting.” 

Something in Rose’s eyes looked familiar. She had seen it before in Maz’s eyes. A shade of kindness that didn’t involve pity or self gain. It made Rey want to open up...just a little. 

“Plus, I get it. I..um...I moved around a lot growing up. Foster kid. So, I understand what it feels like to be homesick,” Rey mumbled and twisted the blanket between her fingers. She felt Rose’s arm come around her shoulders. 

“Well, now, we have each other,” Rose said with a wide smile. _ She really means that. _

Rey was uncertain about a lot of things in her life but, in this moment, she was certain that they would be friends. 

* * *

The first three weeks of school were hectic, but Rey quickly grew accustomed to her routine. For the first time, Rey’s past was working to her advantage. Being used to change made for quite the easy college transition. Her classes were stimulating, her schedule gave her plenty of time to study, party, and spend time with friends. 

Speaking of friends…

In the days since their first night as roommates, Rey and Rose grew close. Rey learned that Rose refused to drink until she turned 21. Rose learned that Rey sings Margaritaville in the shower when she gets drunk. The two girls were practically inseparable. In fact, the only event that Rose went to alone happened on Wednesday nights. 

“Rey, you really should come. It’s a great way to meet nice people.” 

“I don’t know, Rose. Won’t they douse me in holy water the second I mention that I don’t believe in God?” 

Rose giggled. “No! It’s a non-denominational worship night, not a mass at the Vatican. All we do is eat food, watch the worship band, listen to a quick sermon, then go home! We don’t even have to stay for the sermon. We can leave after the band finishes.”

They were walking down the path leading to the lunch hall, making their way past small groups of students and the occasional bike that zipped past them. Rey was pushing her newly-acquired razor as she walked, matching Rose’s pace. It was old, a little rusty, but it helped her get across campus much faster. Plus, she didn’t have to carry around a bike lock. The scooter was rigged so it could fold up and be tucked under her desk in class. She found it at a garage sale a couple days ago and was thanking her lucky stars this early-2000’s relic was saving her from being late to her freshman literature class. It wasn’t a car, but it was something. 

“I’ll think about it,” Rey said with a smile. 

Rose scrunched up her nose and mumbled, “Why do I feel like that means no?”

“Why do I feel like this isn’t the last time you’re going to ask me to go to this thing?” Rey quipped. 

“Why can’t you just be open to trying something new?” 

Rey stopped and turned toward Rose with a smirk. “Why can’t you stop being such a pain in my a--”

“Hey, Rose!” 

Rey was cut off by a deep, booming voice behind her. She saw Rose grin and begin to wave the owner of the voice over to them. Looking over her shoulder, Rey’s mouth hung open when she saw him. He was tall. So very tall. Black hair fell in waves around his face and dark stubble framed his plush, pink lips. Rey’s eyes trailed down and were gifted with the sight of broad shoulders wrapped in a tight, grey v-neck t-shirt. Her knees wobbled slightly as he stopped in front of Rose and pulled her into a quick hug. He had to bend low to reach the petite girl and Rey was confronted with his jean-clad backside. 

“Good to see you, Ben!” 

Rose’s voice broke Rey out of her trance. She tore her gaze away from the Greek statue come to life and decided that focusing on the handlebars of her scooter were a safer option. Rose pulled away from Ben. 

“Are you headed to lunch?” His voice settled over Rey like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer. 

“Yeah, Rey and I - Oh! Where are my manners? Ben, this is my roommate Rey. Rey, this is my friend Ben,” Rose said gesturing between the two of them. 

Rey looked up to meet his eyes. She noticed they were the same color as the whiskey shots she had done a few days prior at a frat party. At least his eyes wouldn’t leave her with a throbbing headache. However, they were making a certain other part of her anatomy throb. 

“Nice to meet you, Rey,” Ben said, extending a hand for her to shake. 

Rey smiled and shook his hand. She almost swooned seeing how tiny her hand looked compared to his. He was practically gripping her wrist. 

“Likewise,” she managed to squeak out. “So, how do the two of you know each other?”

Ben casually scratched the back of his neck. The hem of his shirt rose up slightly to reveal a dark trail of hair that traveled down his abs and disappeared into his jeans. Rey couldn’t help herself from wondering what else was hidden down there. “We met at BCM.” 

Rey furrowed her brow and looked at Rose in confusion, “BCM?” 

“Bible Collegiate Ministries. It’s the group that hosts the worship nights. Ben here plays guitar in the worship band,” Rose explained. She lifted her brows, catching Rey’s sudden change in demeanor. 

“No shi-- I mean, no kidding!”

“Well, I’m also part of the leadership board. We’re always looking for new members to stop by and check out the ministry, Rey. You’re more than welcome to join us next Wednesday to see what we’re all about.” He flashed her a smile.

“I’ll be there,” Rey declared. 

Rose shot Rey an incredulous look, but recovered quickly before Ben could notice. 

Ben looked down at his watch and his eyes went wide. “Sorry to cut this short, but I got to run to my next class. Good running into you, Rose. And it was very nice meeting you, Rey. See you both on Wednesday!” 

He set off down the walkway, leaving the two girls alone. Rose crossed her arms slowly and quirked an eyebrow. “You certainly changed your mind fast.”

“What can I say? It was like a divine calling,” Rey looked up to the sky and placed her hands together in mock prayer. 

Rose shook her head and laughed as they continued walking to the quad. 

“Come on, Rose. You’ve got to admit: that shirt was doing the Lord’s work.” The hard nudge of Rose’s elbow in her arm finally shut Rey up. 

* * *

The next Wednesday came quickly. Rey found herself being led by Rose down the walkway on the outskirts of campus. A small, brick building was up ahead, in front of it was a hand-painted banner that read, “Bible Campus Ministries.” She rolled her eyes and tried to remember the way the denim stretched over Ben’s thighs. Yes, that thought was enough to will herself through the doors without the fear of bursting into flames. 

Rose took Rey’s hand and walked them inside the building’s common room. Faint music was playing over a dated speaker system. A few students were casually draped across an old couch that had certainly seen better days. More people were crowded around a ping-pong table as two guys parried the ball back and forth. Across on the other side of the room sat a long table loaded with finger foods and the fixings to make burgers. 

Before Rey could make a bee-line for the food, a girl on the couch turned her head around and squealed, “Rose is here!”

She stood from her sitting place. Her long, blonde ponytail swished from side-to-side as she made her way over to them. A pink, bedazzled bible was cradled in her hands and a candy-sweet smile played across her lips. Rey already hated her. 

The girl embraced Rose in an enthusiastic hug and spun her around as she giggled. Rey wondered if this was a worship night or rush week on Greek Row. They broke apart and the girl’s eyes finally landed on Rey.

“Oh, Rosie, I didn’t notice you brought a friend! Hi there, I’m Kaydel.” She leaned in and gave Rey an equally big hug. Rey winced and awkwardly patted Kaydel’s back.

“Um, nice to meet you.” 

“Kaydel, this is my roommate Rey,” Rose said. 

“Well, any friend of Rosie’s is a friend of mine! Welcome to BCM. Help yourself to some food and be sure to grab a bible before worship starts if you didn’t bring your own. See you in there, Rosie!” With a wave and another swish of her ponytail, Kaydel walked away and plopped back down on the couch. 

Rose waved and then led Rey over to the food table. 

“So, Kaydel seems..._ nice _,” Rey murmured quietly as she fixed herself a plate.

Rose hummed in agreement. “Hurry up and eat; worship starts in a few minutes and I want to get a seat in the front.” 

Rey gobbled down her burger quickly. As they watched the last of the ping pong game, a couple other people walked up and hugged Rose._ For a house of God, there certainly seems to be a lot of touching, _Rey thought to herself. The music suddenly stopped and two sets of double doors opened along the opposite wall. 

“It’s starting,” Rose exclaimed. Rey followed her into the next room. The space was larger, but not extravagant, with black curtains covering every wall. About 10 rows of plastic chairs with a wide aisle way between them faced a small, raised stage with just enough room for microphones, guitars, and a drum set. It was dark in the room; the only lights on were relegated to illuminating the stage. Rose and Rey took two seats in the front row next to the aisle. They settled in their seats and that’s when Rey saw him. 

He was even taller than she remembered. Walking across the stage and looping a guitar across his broad chest, Ben looked like a rock star. His all black outfit would’ve made him blend into the background if it wasn’t for his luminous skin. Rey wondered if he purposefully stayed out of the sun or if he had some kind of complicated skincare routine to make his skin glow like that. As he casually used his foot to turn on the amp beside his feet, the other members of the band, including Kaydel, found their places on stage. 

A projector screen above the stage turned on and the lyrics to the first song appeared. Ben began playing a slow progression of notes and Rey was distracted by the cords of muscle that strained in his forearm as he manipulated the strings. Kaydel’s light, lilting voice filtered through the speakers and brought Rey’s mind back to the present. The song picked up intensity at the next chorus and the audience began to stand up and sing along in earnest. 

Rey looked over at Rose and saw she had her eyes tightly shut and both her hands splayed open in front of her, as if to accept an invisible gift. Confused, Rey turned and looked behind her to the rest of the crowd. Many were worshiping in a similar manner to Rose. Others had their hands held high above their heads. A few girls had their hands resting on their hearts as they sang out words of devotion and love. She didn’t quite know what to make of it all. Her first instinct was to laugh. The music was good, but not _ that _ good. 

She turned back to watch the stage once again. Ben’s honey-brown eyes were settled on her. Without thinking, she closed her eyes and mimicked Rose’s open hands. Part of her wanted to seem like she was enjoying herself to Ben, the other part hoped that listening this way would actually make her connect with how everyone else was feeling in the room. But, after a few moments, Rey found that she just felt foolish. A new song started and Rey huffed, opening her eyes again to watch the lyrics pass across the screen. Swaying and moving her mouth to the words was a commitment she felt more comfortable doing for the rest of the band’s set. Plus, with her eyes open, she could sneak glances at Ben. 

The band played their final song and ended with a long-held note that left some audience members in tears. Kaydel skipped off the stage and went to sit in an empty chair in the front row; the rest of the band walked to the back of the room. Everyone settled into their seats once again in silence and a man walked on stage, dragging a chair behind him. He was graying with a trimmed beard and wore baggy cargo shorts with a white button-down shirt. With a little flourish, he sat down and crossed one leg over the other. 

“That’s Pastor Luke. He and his wife Mara started the ministry a few years ago,” Rose whispered in her ear. 

Pastor Luke pulled a small bible from one of the pockets of his shorts and began to flip through the pages. There were sounds of shuffling all through the crowd as the students pulled out their bibles, waiting to hear which section to turn to. Rey grimaced. She forgot to grab a bible like Kaydel had told her. _ Would it look rude if she just sat and listened? _ A little cough captured her attention and she turned to see Kaydel looking at her with a pitying smile. The blonde pointed towards a side door, through which Rey could see a table with bibles up for grabs. Rey mouthed a quick thank you before telling Rose she’d be right back. 

She crouched out of her seat and scurried to the door, Luke’s voice taking over the audience's attention. The bibles on the table were all worn and some had a few smudges and tears. They clearly were all donations. Rey grabbed a brown, leather clad bible that looked like it had lived through both world wars. _ Yep, this one seems fitting. _In her peripheral, she noticed another body over at the food table. Glancing over, she spotted Ben. 

Not wanting to waste a chance at flirting, Rey made her way over to him. He was piling his plate full of veggies and fruits. She smiled and cleared her throat.

“Did I make a mistake eating a burger earlier?” 

His eyes went wide and his ears flushed a little at being caught eating during the sermon. “What?”

Rey giggled. “I can’t help but notice you’re avoiding the burgers. Now, I’m starting to wonder if I’m in for a reckoning for eating one.” She inwardly berated herself for using food poisoning as her opener. She still wasn’t very good at the whole flirting thing.

To his credit, Ben recovered quickly. He laughed while looking at his plate

“No, you’ll be fine. I just prefer the burgers at Dex’s Diner. I didn’t expect anyone to catch me out here. I missed dinner and figured skipping out on one sermon wouldn’t hurt.” He winked and made his way over to a table. Rey followed. After setting his plate down, he pulled a chair out for her to sit next to him. He gave her a sheepish grin as he pressed a grape past his lips. _ God, they were so pink and plump. _ What would they feel like pressed against her own?

“First time?” 

“Hmm?” Her face felt hot. Of course, not even five minutes into talking with him and she’s blushing. 

“Is this your first time at a worship?”

She nodded. “How did you know?”

“You, uh, seemed a bit distracted during the set. I’m not used to seeing people’s eyes while we play. Imagine my surprise seeing yours right there in the front row,” he explained, chomping on a celery stick. “How did you like it?”

“To be honest, it was weird.” Seeing his face fall, she rushed to explain herself. “I mean the music was great, but seeing everybody taken over like that...I’m just so new to all of this religious stuff. Culture shock, probably.” 

The smile returned to his face. “I can understand that. It’s a lot to take in, at first. Is that why you dipped out of the sermon?” 

“No, I forgot a bible so…,” she picked up the worn book and presented it to Ben. 

His eyebrows knitted and he took the bible from her, flipping the cover and sighing. “Good choice, this is one I donated. Used to be mine. See?” 

He pointed to the note scribbled in black pen on the back of the cover.

_ Ben, _

_ This bible belonged to your grandfather. It didn’t help me much, but perhaps it will help you in your search for the light. _

_ Love, _ _Mom_

Rey swallowed thickly. “Ben, don’t you want to keep this? It seems...important.”

“No, no, I insist. You can use it. I have a new one that I use now, anyways. I do have to apologize in advance for all my old notes in the margins. Just ignore them the best you can,” he offered. 

This bible was a fucking family heirloom and he had just tossed it on a donation table for anyone to grab and take home? There was more to it than that. Rey was determined to find out exactly what it was that made him want to get rid of it so badly. 

“Thanks, I’ll do my best. This is going to sound silly, but do I just...start reading it from the beginning?” 

He pressed his lips together to keep in a laugh. “You can. Some people like to flip to a random page and read the verses that way. Personally, I like to go through it with my bible study group. We focus more on themes and jump around in the book.”

“Kind of like a literature class? I’d probably like doing it that way, too. I feel pretty clueless about all this stuff,” Rey said, turning the book over in her hands and looking up at Ben through her lashes.

Ben cleared his throat and said, “If you’re interested, my bible study group meets on Saturday nights. My mentor is a bit strict about who can attend, so I have to ask: Are you serious about dedicating yourself to a relationship with God?”

If Rey was an honest person, she’d say, “Absolutely not, I find this whole situation ridiculous and all I really want to do is make out with you until God is the last thing on your mind.” She’d take herself home, study for her trigonometry test, and forget all about Ben Solo. As it was, Rey was not an honest person. 

“I am serious,” she said with finality. 

“Okay, I’ll talk to Father Snoke about you joining us next Saturday. But, and please don’t take this the wrong way, you need a teacher if you're going to impress him enough to let you join. I can help you brush up on the basics before the next meeting. Sound good?” 

“Sounds great!”

They exchanged phone numbers and made their way back inside the worship room. Taking her seat once again next to Rose, Rey could hardly focus on Luke’s sermon. She was going to be spending every Wednesday and Saturday night with Ben Solo. Sure, she’d have to feign an interest in God or whatever, but she’d have countless chances at seducing him. After all, he was just a man. Even men of God have weaknesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey, you naughty girl...


	3. Part 3 - The Temptation of a Tutor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is determined to seduce Ben, her new bible study tutor. But, when she meets his mentor, Father Snoke, Rey has a very different mission in mind: to save Ben's soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the tags this time, children!  
TW: There is a scene that mentions conversion therapy and religious homophobia. Also, some slut shaming.
> 
> I know it has been such a long time since I've updated, but this chapter broke me multiple times! I hope the fact that it is beastly long makes up for the wait y'all had to endure! 
> 
> Come talk to me on Twitter @MeedaWrites :)

_ 7 years earlier, continued... _

His hair wasn’t really black, she decided. In the sun, it glimmered with auburn undertones. At night, it was cast in a bluish hue. No matter what color it was, Rey wanted to run her fingers through it. She wanted to pull it as he slowly licked between her thighs. Maybe it was long enough to tickle the skin on her shoulders as he thrust inside her. 

“Earth to Rey!” Rose broke her out of that dangerous daydream. They were sitting in the small, campus cafe sipping on hot ciders. Fall was in full swing and they needed a tiny reprieve from the chill outside before heading to the last of their Friday classes. 

“Huh? Oh, sorry -- I was distracted. What were you saying,” Rey asked.

“I was  _ asking  _ if you’re really going to meet up with Ben tonight.” Rose’s eyes were focusing on the steam rising out of her cider, her voice timid. 

Rey huffed, sensing a lecture coming her way. “Yes, I’m meeting up with him for some tutoring and some major flirting before going to his bible study group tomorrow. Why?”

“It’s just that...I don’t want you to get your hopes up about being with him. Ben is very nice, but he’s dedicated to leading BCM and is really involved with his church. He’s not like the other guys you’ve run into at parties, Rey. He has a purpose.” 

“Rose, no offense, but I don’t think playing guitar while people pray makes him destined to be the Pope,” Rey said with a laugh. 

Rose lifted her head up, brows furrowed in agitation. “Maybe not, but do you really think that a couple of bible study sessions with you is going to make him turn away from his faith? For what, a makeout session? Mindless sex? I know you think religion is a joke, but for some of us it’s how we want to live our lives. It’s not a game, Rey.” 

Rey bit her lip, feeling slightly guilty. But, she quickly buried the feeling with the same excuses she’d been telling herself since they got back from worship night. She leveled Rose with a resolved look. 

“I don’t think it’s a game. You of all people should understand that it’s not as black-and-white as some want to think. There are plenty of couples who have different beliefs who manage to make it work. Take you and me: you’re religious as hell, and yet you’re best friends with me. You just accept me for who I am, whether I believe in the same God as you or not.” 

Rose’s shoulders relaxed. 

“True, but you’re not trying to have sex with me,” Rose said with a smirk.

“Not yet,” Rey joked. “But, seriously, Ben could date me and still be involved with his church. Plus, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. I still need to shoot my shot tonight to suss out if he’s actually interested in me at all.” 

With a sigh, Rose nodded. “Alright, I can see your point. Just be honest. If he is interested, you need to tell him the truth about your beliefs instead of pretending to be interested in God. Promise me?”

“I promise.”

* * *

The bell on the door at Dex’s Diner rang as Rey stepped into the eatery, eyes glancing around to look for Ben’s solid form. He had texted her to meet him there at 7pm, but she was 10 minutes late. The sky had opened up as she pushed her razor scooter down the sidewalk and now she was soaked to the bone. Rey spotted Ben in a back booth, his cream sweater contrasting with his dark looks. 

His eyes met hers as she got closer to the booth. 

“Hi, sorry I’m late! I got caught in the storm on my way over,” Rey said as she folded up her scooter and placed it under the table and sat down.

Ben looked worried as she dripped rainwater onto the checkered floor. “If I had known you didn’t have a car, I would’ve picked you up. Do you want me to ask Dex if they have towels or something in back?” 

“No worries, I can grab some paper towels from the bathroom here in a sec. Let me just-” She flung her wet backpack into the corner of the booth and began to take off her soaked sweater. Thankfully, she had layered up and wore a tank top underneath. 

Once she got the damp sweater over her head, Rey asked, “Have you ordered yet?”

Ben’s eyes darkened when he looked up to answer her and a rosy blush spread across his cheeks. He quickly looked back at his menu and cleared his throat. “Um..no not yet. I can order something for us while you dry off.” 

_ God, he can hardly look at me. I must look like a drowned rat. _

“You’re a lifesaver! I’ll take a chocolate milkshake and a kid’s cheese fries. Be right back,” Rey said as she slid out of the booth.

Once inside the bathroom, Rey went straight for the paper towel dispenser. She grabbed a large handful and began to wipe the rain from her skin, making her way to the mirror to see just how badly she looked. Her hair was beginning to dry, but most of it stuck to the sides of her face, neck, and down her shoulders. She scrunched it between a couple paper towels before looking down at her clothes. 

The sight of her tank top made her pause. It was completely soaked through. Her sweater had dampened the fabric to be almost transparent, revealing her lacey, black bralette underneath. She began to pat it down to take away some of the moisture before she was struck with an idea. 

This was perfect. She immediately stopped trying to dry her shirt, looked up to the ceiling, and mouthed a “thank you.” The waitress was just walking away from dropping off their food when Rey got back to Ben.

“Ah, that feels so much better,” Rey said as she plopped herself down into the booth quickly, causing her breasts to bounce slightly. Ben choked on his soda. 

“You okay?” Rey tried her best not to laugh.

Ben nodded as he recovered from his coughing fit. “Fine,” he said, his normally deep voice reaching an impressively high octave. He grabbed his bible from the messenger bag that was laying next to him. “Ready to get started?”

“Ready.” She pulled out Ben’s old bible from her backpack, some of the pages curling from the moisture. Rey did her best to straighten them out as she laid the book on the table next to her fries. Looking up to Ben expectantly, she noticed his eyes were squarely on her chest. She hid a smirk, took a deep breath, and began to rub a finger along the neckline of her tank top. “I said I’m ready for you, Ben.”

That got his attention. With a deep blush he snapped his eyes back up to hers and cleared his throat. “Right. So, I’d like to get an idea of where you are in your knowledge of the bible. You mentioned last week that it was all new to you.”

“Pretty much. I know some basic verses about minding your parents. Had a foster mom who made me memorize those. ‘Hear your father’s instruction and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.’” 

His brows furrowed slightly. “Hm, well that’s at least  _ something. _ Anything else.” 

“Um...I probably know 6 out of the 10 Commandments.”

“Not bad compared to some,” he said with a shrug. “Okay, sounds like we’re starting from square one. The Bible is split up into multiple books. Each book is a collection of stories and personal accounts. All combined, they describe God’s relationship with us. For tonight, I’ll give you a quick summary of the books that Father Snoke likes to cover with us.”

“Got it. Lots of books, one big story. Where do we start?” Rey placed her chin in her hand and took a slow sip of her milkshake. She swiped her fingertip across the whipped cream and sucked it off, intentionally leaving a bit on the corner of her mouth.

Ben’s tongue licked across his bottom lip as he watched her enjoy the dessert. He shook his head slightly, seeming to remember himself. “I’m sorry, what did you ask?”

_ Okay, enough torturing him. _

“Where do you want to start with me, Ben?”

He smiled tightly at her. “With the beginning. But first --”

Ben pulled his cream sweater over his head and handed it to Rey across the table, trying to avoid dragging it through the plethora of diner food. His white undershirt stretched across his chest as he leaned over the table. “Here, you look cold.”

She took the sweater and reluctantly put it on. What had been a tight fit on Ben, was a sea of fabric on Rey. But, it smelled like bergamot and something spicy. Rey pulled the ends of the sleeves over her fingers to warm them and fought the urge to bring them up to her nose to further take in his scent.

Now that she was covered, Ben seemed less distracted. His attention was back on his bible.

“The book of Genesis. This book explores God creating the Earth and gives a history of the old world,” he said.

“Before Noah’s flood?” Rey tilted her head to the side as she asked.

Ben nodded, impressed. “Technically, it was God’s flood, but yeah that happens in the book of Genesis.”

“Let me get this straight: God created the whole Earth just to flood the entire thing? Do you believe everything in The Bible is true? Like, all the stories literally happened?”

Ben laughed. “All good questions. Different denominations have different interpretations of scripture in The Bible. Growing up, I was taught that all scripture has a literal and a spiritual reading to it. We understand The Bible is full of inconsistencies and contradictions. That’s kind of the downside to having humans write it: humans make mistakes. So, we can’t take what’s written as pure fact,” Ben explained. 

Rey was slightly taken aback by how frank he was with her. She couldn’t stop herself before asking, “If it can’t be proven, then why do you follow it? Why dedicate your life to it?”

“Because the moral lessons in these stories can still be applied to our lives, even if the exact details are muddy. The rest is up to faith,” he shrugged and took a bite of his burger. Rey watched as he flipped the pages of his bible to a page marked with a lime green post-it note.

“Have you always been religious, Ben?”

He seemed to weigh his words before answering. “Not always. During high school, I hit a rough patch. My parents got divorced and I didn’t handle it very well. Fell in with a bad crowd. Lots of partying and getting in trouble. When I was 17, I got caught stealing a car. My dad was secretly proud. My mother was openly horrified. She sent me away to a Christian camp for troubled teens along with that bible you’re holding.” 

Rey ran her fingers over the chipped leather of the book sitting in front of her. Ben continued. 

“Father Snoke directed the camp and he helped show me the error of my ways. By the end of the summer, he said I showed great promise and offered to continue mentoring me. He’s the one who pulled strings so I could get into college, despite the blemish on my record. He encouraged me to join BCM and rise up into leadership. He’s even going to write me a letter of recommendation so I can go to Seminary next year after I graduate. I owe everything to Father Snoke, to be honest.”

Rey bit her lip. Maybe he was in deeper than she originally thought. “Well, I’m excited to meet him tomorrow.” 

Ben cleared his throat. “Let’s keep going. The Bible is split up into the Old Testament and the New Testament…”

The next couple of hours found Ben and Rey flipping through their bibles. Rey took notes to review the next day with only minimal distraction. At one point, Ben’s hair fell into his eyes and she had to fight from pushing it back for him. When they finally reached a stopping point, it was still raining. 

Rey folded her still-damp sweater and shoved it in her backpack, not ready to remove Ben’s cashmere sweater yet. She pulled out her scooter as Ben packed up his bag and left money on the table for their server. When he saw her with the scooter, he said, “Put that thing away. It’s still raining; I’m driving you. Otherwise, I’ll go home guilty knowing you’re wet and it’s all my fault.”

Rey felt her stomach flip. Had he meant to phrase it that way? Was he flirting with her? She felt her cheeks grow hot with a nervous blush. _Lord help me._ “Thanks.”

They ran quickly to Ben’s car: a black, two-door sedan that had no backseat, much to Rey’s disappointment. The engine purred as Ben started the ignition and made his way out of the parking lot towards the campus. It was a short drive, with the diner being so close. In less than 10 minutes, they were in front of Rey’s dorm. 

“Oh, I need to give you your sweater back!” Rey began to pull up the sweater. Ben reached out and stopped her hands with his own. They were warm and slightly calloused. His fingers engulfed her wrist.

“Keep it. I have a closet full of sweaters,” he said with a warm smile and let go of her wrists. He was being so kind to her. He had literally given her the shirt off his back. That was a good sign, right? Or was he like that with everyone?

“Thanks, Ben. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me tonight. You make a good tutor,” Rey said, looking down at her now lonely hands.

“Well, you make a good student. I’ll text you tomorrow night when I’m on my way over to pick you up. Forecast says more rain, and I can’t have you showing up soaked to Saint Padme’s. 

“Saint Padme’s?” 

“The cathedral downtown. It’s Father Snoke’s parish.” 

“Oh, got it. Sounds great. Thanks for the ride,” Rey said. Feeling bold, she leaned over and kissed his cheek softly before stepping out of the car, missing the way Ben blushed. She walked around to the sidewalk, but stopped short. Rey turned back towards Ben’s car. She lightly knocked on his window and he rolled it down. 

“Sorry, I forgot to ask this earlier. But, what is Seminary and why are you going there after you graduate?”

“It’s a school for religious studies. I want to get my Master of Divinity.”

“What do you want to do with that?”

“To become a priest.”

_ Oh, fuck. _

A priest. How on earth could someone so hot want to become a priest?! Rey quickly said goodbye to Ben and went upstairs to Google everything there was to know about priests. She had hoped the whole celibacy thing had been a myth or some kind of Hollywood trope, but there it was in black and white. He would one day take a vow of celibacy and never experience sex again...or at all if he was he a virgin.

She was in too deep. It was one thing to flirt with the worship band guitarist, it was a whole other thing to try to seduce a priest-in-training. Rose had been right. As Rey slipped into bed still wearing Ben’s sweater, she decided: after bible study tomorrow night, she would tell him the truth and leave him alone forever. 

* * *

Ben’s text caught Rey by surprise and she folded her laundry with Rose.

**[Ben: **Want to grab food before we head over? My treat!**]**

**[Rey: **Not really that hungry, yet. Maybe after?**]**

**{Ben: **Sounds good. See you in an hour.**]**

Rey groaned. “Rose, what did I do to deserve this? I meet the perfect guy, but I can’t have him because he’d rather wear all black and feed people Jesus crackers instead of date like a normal person!”

“Hm, maybe infiltrating his Catholic bible study might have something to do with it. Or pretending to believe in God to get his attention in the first place. God sees all, Rey. He knows what you’re doing.” Rose booped Rey on the nose, giggling at her pout.

“Shut up and keep folding.”

The hour was soon up and Rey waited outside of her dorm for Ben arrive. She tugged on the collar of her button-down. Rose had helped her dress more conservatively. Ben’s car pulled up to the sidewalk and he gave a quick honk to alert her to get in the car. She slid into the soft leather seat and fidgeted with her hair as Ben began to navigate them away from campus. 

It was only going to be an hour in the church with him; then she could end this all. Afterwards, she’d go home, have a good cry, and then download a dating app and set her preferences to only show her atheists. She nervously straightened her knee-length skirt as it draped across her tight-clad thighs.

“Don’t be nervous. You look nice,” Ben said quietly, eyes still on the road ahead.

“I just want Father Snoke to like me,” she lied. 

“He will. I’m certain of it.” 

They arrived at the cathedral a few minutes later. Ben took her hand and guided her inside. He showed her to the holy water font and demonstrated how to gently dab her fingertips in and to make the sign of the cross. Rey took a deep breath as they walked through the main nave of the church, past a sea of empty pews. It was dark, save for a group of candles lit off to the side. Their combined footsteps echoing off the walls. Ben’s hand was tense around hers. She thought churches were supposed to be sanctuaries. So, why was this one so creepy? 

Ben turned them to a side hallway at the back of the church. She could hear low voices coming from the other side of the wall. When they reached the door, Ben turned to her with a stiff smile. 

“Ready?” Rey felt sweat on the palm of his hand.

“Ready.”

Ben walked into the room first, Rey close behind him still holding on to his hand. She easily assumed the priest sitting at the head of the table was Father Snoke. He was flanked by a slim redhead and a pale blonde, both looking similar to Ben’s age. The priest spoke. 

“Ah, Benjamin, my boy. Just in time. Please introduce us to your new recruit so we can get started.” The room chuckled softly. Rey smiled awkwardly. 

“Everyone, this is Rey. Rey, this is Armie, Gwen, and, of course, Father Snoke,” Ben said as he gestured to everyone in the room. Rey waved politely. 

“Now that that’s out of the way, both of you take a seat. We’ve been waiting to begin,” Father Snoke grumbled.

They sat and took our their bibles. Armie and Gwen kept glancing at Rey and then at each other. Silently conversing by simply locking eyes. Apparently, they weren’t used to seeing new people in the study group.

“This week, I want us to focus on the concept of temptation,” Father Snoke’s eyes cut to Rey. 

A chill went down her spine. 

“You three have shown such diligence in your studies and in your faith. However, that does not make you immune to temptation. You’re all at a point in your lives where you're faced with difficult choices. Those around you will try to tempt you away from the Lord. Away from His word.” Father Snoke jabbed his finger onto the bible in front of him. 

“Turn to Galatians 6:8.” The room filled with the sound of fluttering pages. “Rey, would you care to read the verse aloud?” 

Rey swallowed and read, “ Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” 

“Very good. Benjamin, any thoughts on this verse?” His piercing eyes moved to Ben, who had his head bent, working his jaw. 

“Yes, Father. I interpret this passage as an encouragement to ignore our own selfish desires and to live only to serve the Lord,” Ben answered, his voice flat and void of emotion. 

Armie spoke up next, looking to Rey again. “Agreed.” 

This all felt quite pointed, but she had no proof. She looked down at her bible in shame. That’s when she saw it: a small note in blue ink next to the verse. Ben’s note. 

_ What about 1 Corinthians 10:13? _

Rey quickly flipped to the verse, read it silently to herself, and smiled. She cleared her throat and raised her hand. 

“Yes, Rey?”

“Sorry, but what about that Corinthians verse about temptation? 10:13?” 

Ben jerked his head to look at her in surprise, then down at the bible filled with his notes. 

Gwen grimaced. “I don’t think I know that one. Care to enlighten us?”

Rey leaned down to better read the verse for the group. “No temptation has seized you beyond what people normally experience, and God can be trusted not to allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. On the contrary, along with the temptation, he will also provide the way out, so that you will be able to endure.” 

Father Snoke leveled her with a smirk. 

“And what does this verse mean to you, Rey?” 

She felt the weight of all their stares, but the one that bore into her most was Ben’s. 

“Um, well, I think it means that temptation is inevitable. It means that God already has a plan and that the temptation he allows in our lives is only there to strengthen us. It means that with some temptation, there is hope that you’ll come out better on the other side of it, “ Rey said, biting her lip and looking to Ben for validation that she hadn’t completely missed the mark. His face was beaming with pride. 

“An optimistic interpretation,” Father Snoke said with a smile that never reached his eyes. “Ben, take over leading the session. I want to have a word with Miss Rey privately about joining on with us long term.” 

Father Snoke’s withered form stood and offered his wrinkled hand to Rey, who reluctantly took it and followed him out of the room. She felt Ben watching them as they left. Once out in the hall, Father Snoke released Rey’s hand and began slowly walking back towards the nave of the cathedral.

“That was impressive in there, Miss Rey. I can see you flourishing here under my teachings. Ben certainly seems to see your potential.”

Rey blushed as Father Snoke turned them into the nave and towards an alcove to the side of the back pews. “I don’t know about  _ that _ . But-”

“No matter. If you wish to join us, then I require you be in the right condition. Your soul must be free of sin. Shall we?” He waved his hand towards a confessional booth and began to step inside the side intended for the priest.

Her stomach dropped. She had never confessed before. How the hell was she supposed to convince Snoke that this was something she did regularly? With a nervous look around the room, she slowly entered the other side of the booth. 

It was even darker in the confessional than in the cathedral. Rey could barely see her hands in front of her face. There was a chill that she couldn’t escape. 

“Whenever you’re ready, my child.” 

_ Okay, what do they say in the movies? _ “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 weeks since my last confession.”

A low, maniacal laugh came through from the other side. “Well done. How long did you have to practice to make it sound so convincing?” 

“Excuse me?” 

Suddenly, the screen in front of Rey was pulled aside and Snoke’s stark face appeared before her, red with anger.

“Listen here, girl. Do you know where Ben went after your little date last night? Straight to this confessional booth. And do you know what he told me? Everything. Your see-through shirt, the whipped cream on your fingers, your lips on his cheek. Oh, yes, you certainly had an effect on him. He told me he was consumed by lustful thoughts...for you.” 

Rey’s heart began to race and her breath came in short bursts as Father Snoke continued.

“I know that boy’s soul as intimately as I know my own. I was there for every confession; every doubt he ever harbored. And I snuffed them out by any means necessary. I mentored him day-in and day-out for years to take over my parish to spread the true word of God, and I’ll be  _ damned _ if some sex-crazed Delilah ruins it all because she can’t keep her legs closed.” 

“You’re not mentoring him, you’re manipulating him. You are a monster!” 

A dark laugh rolled out from between his cracked lips. “And you’re a slut.”

Rey could hear her heartbeat pounding through her ears. Her knuckles were white from the strain of keeping them clenched at her sides. “You can’t scare me away with your insults, Father Snoke. I’ve only known him for a few days, but I can tell you that Ben’s heart is too good to be fucked up by the likes of you. Get used to seeing me around, because I’m not going anywhere. Not when Ben’s future is on the line. I promise you right here, right now: I’m going to do everything in my power to ensure that Ben Solo turns away from you and  _ never _ looks back.” 

Father Snoke slammed the screen shut between them so hard, it echoed through the halls.

Ben found her sitting in the hallway a few minutes later. She told him she had a headache and asked if he’d drive her home early. There would be no telling him the truth tonight. She had a mission. 

* * *

Weeks went by and Rey kept fast to her promise. She was at BCM’s worship night every Thursday in the front row with Rose. Instead of closing her eyes and worshiping with the others, her eyes were on Ben. As long as he was up there smiling at her, she knew he was safe from any of Snoke’s influence that was going on out of her sight. Afterwards, they’d go to Dex’s and talk. 

One time, Rey brought a copy of Measure for Measure so she could teach Ben a work by Shakespeare, claiming she wanted to repay him for all the bible tutoring. She felt a pang of guilt when they finished and he said that Isabella, the faithful and pious main character, reminded him of her. They stuck to bible tutoring after that. Rey would ask if they could read from her borrowed Bible so they could follow the little notes he wrote in the margins. In those days, Rey learned a lot about Ben. 

She learned that he always opened doors for people and never got annoyed if they took their time making their way through it. She learned that he volunteered at an animal shelter on Mondays, even though he was 80% sure he was allergic to cats. She learned that, even on his worst days, he would conjure up a smile when he ran into friends. She learned that his ears turned pink when she’d kiss his cheek for driving her home. The more she learned about Ben, the more she fell head over heels for him. 

But, Rey didn’t feel like she had won, just yet. After all, she continued to lie about her faith and her intentions for spending time with him. Rey’s guilt for being untruthful was beginning to grow almost as much as her arousal for Ben. Father Snoke’s words never left her:  _ “He told me he was consumed by lustful thoughts...for you.” _

Knowing that Ben wanted her made Rey bold. At worship nights, Rey would show up wearing a cardigan, but would quickly take it off when the band started to play, revealing her skin to Ben’s eyes. When they’d visit the diner, she started sitting next to Ben in the booth, claiming it was just in case Rose and Kaydel showed up. In reality, it was so she could “accidentally” touch his thigh as she leaned in to read a verse he was teaching her. She made kissing Ben on the cheek a nightly ritual whenever he’d drop her off at her dorm. Last time she did it, she moaned a little against his cheek, causing him to white-knuckle the steering wheel. 

While grappling with conflicting feelings of guilt and arousal, Rey also had to battle her mounting anger towards Father Snoke during bible study. Every week it seemed he had a new bible story centered around a wicked woman that he wanted the group to discuss. Eve tempting Adam with the forbidden fruit using her feminine wiles. Delilah cutting off Samson’s hair and robbing him of his strength as he slept by her side. The faithless Michal who scorned her husband David for rejoicing in God’s glory. Rey was at her wits end by the last bible study meeting of the semester. 

Sitting next to Ben, Rey was worrying the hem of her yellow skirt and biting the inside of her cheek, a common practice for her in these meetings, as Father Snoke started making announcements kick things off. Her knee was bouncing with anxious energy. She felt something warm settle atop her kneecap: Ben’s hand. She looked up at him only to see his eyes focused on his bible, but his thumb was brushing her skin softly trying to soothe her. Warmth pooled low in her core at his touch, innocent as it was. In need of a distraction, she finally listened to whatever drivel Father Snoke was saying.

“...and we’ll be missing Armie come next semester. But, the Lord shall guide him as he fights this sinful affliction.” 

“What sinful affliction?” Rey looked at Armie as she asked. 

Armie shamefully looked up at her. “Homosexuality.”

Her breathing became more labored, her frustration at this whole situation finally reaching a breaking point. Ben’s hand tightened on her knee. She didn’t know if he was fighting his own anger or if he was trying to warn her to calm down. Either way, she was ignoring it. Rey couldn’t bite back her anger anymore. 

“That’s bullshit,” Rey exclaimed.

Father Snoke lazily looked over to her. “Miss Rey, I must ask you to watch your language. Need I remind you that you are in God’s house? Armie asked for my guidance and I suggested he visit a conversion therapy facility until he is free of his sinful thoughts.” 

Rey pushed from her chair and knelt by Armie’s chair, grabbing his shoulders.

“Armie, listen to me, there is nothing wrong with you,” she said.

“My parents...they...they said if I don’t get better, they’re going to kick me out.” Tears were welling in his eyes. Rey hugged him tightly.

“I’m so sorry. But you don’t have to go through with this. There are LGBT support groups on campus you can go to where they can help you. A conversion therapy camp will only make you bury yourself.” 

Father Snoke’s fist slammed into the table. “Silence! You know nothing about the severity of his affliction. God wants this young man to follow a righteous path.” 

She scoffed. “By lying about who he really is? Who he wants to sleep with? Who he loves? I don’t think God gives a flying fuck about that!”

Something in Father Snoke’s eyes flashed. Sweat broke out across his brow and he leveled her with a piercing glare. “Strong words coming from a  _ slut _ like you!”

“Don’t you talk to her like that!”

Ben rose from his seat and grabbed onto Father Snoke’s robe. They stared at each other, breathing heavily, for a moment that seemed to stretch forever. Eventually, Ben loosened his grip and turned to Rey.

“Get your stuff; we’re going,” he said with finality.

“Only if Armie comes with us.” 

Ben nodded tightly and made his way towards the door. 

“You can forget about that letter of recommendation, Benjamin,” Father Snoke said darkly.

Rey put her arms around Armie and guided him out to the parking lot. They dropped Armie off at his apartment and Rey gave him her phone number so he could reach out to her during the holidays. She promised him they would go to a LGBT group meeting on campus when classes started back up. After a tearful hug goodbye, Ben drove Rey to her dorm in tense silence. He parked the car in a space instead of pulling up to the entrance. 

“Can I come up with you? We need to talk,” Ben said.

* * *

Ben looked like a giant inside her tiny dorm room. He awkwardly fidgeted as she set her stuff down by her bed. Had he ever been in a girl’s room before? 

“So, what did you want to talk about, Ben?”

Rey sat down on her bed and gestures for him to sit at the desk next to it. He plopped down and rested his elbows on his knees, looking at her intensely. 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay. Father Snoke is...passionate about his beliefs and he loses his temper often. But, he shouldn’t have said that about you back there. You’re not a…”

“Don’t make excuses for him. That man is dangerous.”

“He’s my mentor, Rey.”

“Well, maybe he shouldn’t be.” She crossed her arms across her chest.

Ben sighed. “I know he has some unconventional beliefs but he’s the one who got me this far. I can’t just turn by back on him. My future depends on him giving me that letter of recommendation. Don’t you get that?”

“No, I don’t! You could ask Luke for a letter of recommendation. I know he’s not a priest, but he’s seen you participate in leadership at BCM. Besides, Snoke didn’t make you who you are.” 

She quickly stood up and pulled the bible out of her bag. She began flipping the pages until she landed on Leviticus 20:13. 

_ “If a man also lie with man, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.” _

Next to the verse, in red ink, was a single words scribbled in Ben’s handwriting: _BULLSHIT!_ She placed the bible down at the desk in front of him and pointed to the note before sitting back down on the bed. 

“Even in your darkest times, you chose acceptance and love. Every note in this book is the real Ben, the true Ben. Father Snoke is trying to hide this Ben by calling what you felt ‘doubt.’ He was the one who told you give this bible away, wasn’t he?”

“Yes.” He stood from the desk and looked down at her. “But, it was for my own good.”

“It was for Father Snoke’s own good, not yours! He just wanted someone that he could mold to take over his parish. He found you at your most vulnerable and has been manipulating you into thinking you need him,” Rey snapped. “But, you’ve never needed him. You’re a good person. You’re such a good person, it makes me angry that I will never be as kind or caring as you. Tell me, when he dies and you are running that cathedral, would you send kids like Armie to conversion therapy? Could you live with yourself?!”

“I can hardly live with myself now!”

That made her pause, eyes wide. “What do you mean?”

Ben slowly stepped up to her. He placed his hands upon her shoulders. 

“I’m not as good as you think, Rey,” he said forlornly.

“Neither am I.”

He huffed and knelt in front of her. “No, you’re not getting it. Ever since that night in the diner when you came in soaking wet and shaking. I can’t get that image out of my head and...it makes me weak. Then, you were just everywhere. Always touching me and kissing my cheek and sighing into my ear. You shouldn’t do that. Do you know what I think about doing to you when you do that?” 

Her breath was coming in heavy. If this was going to go any further, she needed to tell him the truth. “Ben, I--”

Ben didn’t give her a chance to finish before his lips crashed into hers. He growled low in his chest and ran his fingers through her hair. Rey’s head was still spinning as he slowly pulled away. 

“Tell me to stop, Rey. Please tell me to stop,” he whispered against her lips, the curve of her jaw, the hair at her temple.

Her only answer was to pull him closer to her for another kiss, all thoughts of coming clean pushed to the back of her mind. She sucked against his bottom lip with desperation until he opened his mouth. Their tongues met and she let out a breathy moan. Her stomach flipped and her core began to throb.

One of his hands slipped from her hair down to her knee. As he continued to kiss her, his warm fingers massaged into the skin, but they went no further. Rey released herself from the kiss and took his wrist in her hand, slowly sliding it under her skirt and up towards her center. He looked at her cautiously. She locked eyes with him and nodded, “Touch me, Ben.” 

The brown of his eyes turned almost black as his pupils went wide at the meaning of her words hit him full force. He leaned into her and sucked at the sensitive skin of her neck. His fingertips found their destination and she released his wrist so she could grip onto his shoulders. Through her panties, she felt the soft pressure of his knuckles running up and down her slit. Stopping every once in a while to press harder at her sensitive nub.  _ He’s done this before.  _

Ben’s other hand came down and he hooked his fingers into the waistband of her underwear to remove them. Rey began to feel hot and itchy all over. In need of something to occupy her hands, she shucked off the cream sweater, revealing a sheer black bralette to Ben’s hungry gaze. Her panties were around her ankles. She kicked them the rest of the way off and spread her legs wider for him to explore. 

A deep blush was across her cheeks as she realized just how wet she was. Rey could hear soft wet noises as his fingers continued to slide along the outside of her folds. She felt pleasure roll through her legs up into her spine whenever his fingers hit the spot just right. Rey whimpered and her hips snapped forward, asking for more. He chuckled into her ear. 

“Easy, sweetheart. I’ve got you,” his deep baritone rumbled through her rib cage.

His thumb rubbed small circles on her clit as a finger began to slowly slide inside of her only a fraction before pulling back out. The next swipe of his thumb brought the other finger deeper and she mewled. Ben began working it faster, kissing her softly as he worked her up. Rey’s hips began rolling in time with the rhythm he chose. Tendrils of pleasure coiling and spreading through her body, making her fingers and toes tingle. 

“So tight,” Ben whispered in awe. 

She felt a strange stretching sensation. A second, larger finger preparing to press into her depths. Instinctively, Rey tried to open her knees wider. She needed this, she wanted this. Something was building up higher and she wanted Ben to make it crash. Suddenly, Rey felt a sharp pang of pain. She yelped. Ben stopped. 

He pulled his hand out from between her legs and searched her face. His lips were red and swollen from kissing, his hair mussed from her gripping it. “Rey, was I too rough? Did I hurt you?” 

Ben went to brush the hair out of her face when he suddenly paused and stared at his hand. Rey followed his gaze. A small tinge of blood was on his fingers. She didn’t think to tell him that she was a virgin, but now the evidence was glistening on his knuckles.

“Oh my god, Rey, I’m so sorry.” Ben’s face was stained with guilt. His eyes began to shine with the beginning of tears. His breathing came in short bursts. He quickly stood and grabbed for his stuff. 

“Ben--”

“I should never have--I’m sorry, I have to go.” He didn’t even look at her. The door slamming behind him echoed through her ears. In shock at his sudden departure, she curled up on the bed and cried. Rey cried for herself, but mostly she cried for Ben. 

* * *

Ben wasn’t at the first worship night when classes started back up after break. He wasn’t at any other worship for the rest of the semester. 

Rey never saw him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me! This is some heavy angst, but I promise there is a HEA!  
Come talk to me on Twitter @MeedaWrites :)


	4. Part 4 - The Redemption of a Temptress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me, Readers, for I have sinned. It has been 4 months since my last update to this fic...

_ Present Day _

He woke up before his alarm again. Waking up with a racing heart and sweaty palms was a daily occurrence now. He would straighten the sheets that had tangled around his ankles as he attempted to blink away the image of hazel eyes full of tears. This morning was no different. 

After that disastrous night with Rey, he had packed his bags and fled back home in shame. He transferred into online courses to finish his undergrad. Worst of all, he was forced to ask his uncle for a recommendation to even be considered by seminary schools. Father Snoke had certainly done his best to bar him from the top seminary schools in the country. One last attempt at control. At least his uncle’s alma mater was willing to take him on as a seminary student. He changed his name to Ren, still too paranoid that Snoke would find out and try to snatch away this opportunity from him. 

He threw himself into his studies -- forgoing any semblance of a social life. It was a means of atonement, he supposed. Or perhaps a means to forget what he’d done to her. Unfortunately, no matter how many top marks he earned or leadership workshops he completed, it didn’t erase the guilt. Late at night, he’d wonder what turn her life had taken after he ran from that room. These thoughts often caused him to feel angry and confused, which translated to him earning a reputation for being standoffish. A reputation that followed him into his new position after graduation.

The floorboards creaked as he climbed out of bed and walked over to the window. His rooms at the rectory were modest, but they boasted a wonderful view of the church grounds. Moonlight illuminated the walkways around the cathedral. He recalled touring those walkways with Father Tekka on his first day at the parish. The old priest had been welcoming and kind, despite his new counterpart’s brooding disposition. 

Coming to live and work at St. Padme’s had been a blessing. Sharing the rectory with Father Tekka was surprisingly pleasant. They had kept a steady routine of rising with the sun to say their morning prayers, sharing meals with the pastoral staff, conducting mass, visiting hospitals and nursing homes, and finishing the day with evening prayers followed by bible study. Father Tekka had a much different approach to bible study than Snoke, to be sure. With Father Tekka as his new mentor, the days seemed less bleak, the future almost bright. Perhaps he truly did belong in this life. 

Then Father Tekka died.

Ben had quietly and dutifully taken over the parish in the days following Father Tekka’s death. Once the shock of his passing had faded, he found himself questioning his life yet again. As a priest, he was expected to lead his community with a steady mind and a deep understanding of scripture. How could he do that when his own soul was in turmoil? Nothing emphasized that more than when he was standing up to perform mass and looking out at the sea of faces who saw him as their link to the heavens. It was too much. It was practically a farce. 

His only relief was performing his duties listening to confessions. Something about hearing other people’s doubts and insecurities in their faith made him feel not so alone. If only he could feel confident in the advice he provided those who seeked him out. 

Brushing a hand across his face, he made his way to the shower with a sigh. The ten minutes in the steam loosened his tense shoulders. He methodically dressed in his black slacks and button down shirt. To complete his morning routine, he slid on the white clerical collar around his neck. He took a final look in the mirror and saw the man he had become: Father Ren.

Father Ren donned his robes, grabbed the rosary hanging on the wall by his mirror, and closed his eyes in prayer.

“Heavenly Father,” he sighed. “I need your guidance. You know my heart better than anyone — better than myself. All of these doubts are tearing me apart. I just need  _ something _ to let me know this is my true path. Please, give me a sign.” 

He opened his eyes and wrapped the rosary through his fingers. 

Father Ren left the rectory and went to eat breakfast with the church staff. After a quiet meal, he smiled his thanks to the staff and made his way across the courtyard to the cathedral. He kept the Mass short today, seeing as how it wasn’t a Sunday and there were only 2 people in attendance. Father Tekka usually drew bigger crowds on the off days. He was pretty sure one of the attendees only came in to escape the rain that had started to fall. After a short break, Father Ben took his place inside the confessional booth. He scheduled to hear confessions for the next 2 hours, a small reprieve from his own tumultuous thoughts. 

The first person to enter his booth knelt with a gruff groan

“Mornin’, Father. Sorry for the theatrics. My knees aren’t what they used to be.”

Ren recognized the voice as belonging to Mr. Graham: a recent widower who had developed a penchant for betting on local sports games. He was a weekly regular at confession. 

“Good morning. Feel free to sit if that’s more comfortable for you.”

“ _ Ack _ ! I’ve been kneeling in this booth since I was a young man, and I’ll keep kneeling ‘til the Good Lord takes me.” 

Ren smiled despite himself. 

“Very well. You can start whenever you’re ready.”

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession...”

It was Mr. Graham’s usual story. Since they spoke last week, he tried to avoid his bookie. But, eventually, he ended up back at the bar throwing money down on the Bantha’s beating the Ewok’s in the 9th.

“I got a good payout this time, too! But once I was home, I took one look at my Nancy’s picture on the bedside table and knew I’d be kneeling in here again to confess.”

“Have you considered speaking to a professional about gambling addiction?”

“That’s the heck of it, Father! I ain’t addicted to it. I’m just tired of sitting alone in that empty house all day. I’m bored. The gambling is the most fun I’ve had since  _ she _ passed,” Mr. Graham said with a laugh.

“If you don’t feel contrite about doing it, then why come to confession every week?”

“It’s what my Nancy would want me to do. I get home from the bar and all I can see is Nancy shaking her head and telling me to go to confession in the morning. You may not understand this, Father, but that’s the thing about women you love: even when they’re gone, they stick with you.”

Ren gripped his Bible a little tighter. Those hazel eyes appearing again in his mind. He shook his head and whispered, “I can only imagine.” 

“I do feel somewhat contrite, Father. Knowing that Nancy wouldn’t approve of what I’m doing.”

“Did your wife have hobbies? Activities to keep her busy?”

“She’d volunteer at the senior center most days. Said it kept her on her toes.” 

Ren was no stranger to the senior center. It was a safe haven for older citizens in town to find friendly company, balanced meals, and entertaining activities. He would stop by there a couple times a month to participate in an interfaith panel discussion where center-goers could submit questions to the panel. 

“Perhaps, whenever you get bored at home and start feeling like you want to gamble, you can go to the senior center instead. It may help you to continue the work your wife left behind,” Ren said. 

A small pause filled the space between them. Then, Mr. Graham spoke again. “You know, I never thought of that. Nancy would get a kick out of the idea of me serving food and cleaning floors.”

“I’m sure it would make her proud. Plus, your knees would get a break from kneeling in here so much.”

“Ha! Good one, Father! I’ll see you on Sunday,” Mr. Graham said as he stood up and made his way out of the booth, not waiting for Father Ren to bless him or give him formal acts of penance. 

Ren rolled his neck. He heard another person enter the other side of the booth. There was a rustle of clothing as they knelt down and then a faint sniffle. His heart went out to them. It was much too early in the day to be crying. 

“Please begin whenever you’re ready,” he said. 

A small, feminine voice that sounded hoarse from crying whispered, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been...about s-seven years since my last confession.”

She was hesitant and unsure. Clearly she was new to all this. Father Ren couldn’t remember the last time he had to guide someone through a confession. Eventually, she settled and began to tell him about her situation. 

This girl led a life full of missed opportunities and ruined chances. She lamented losing friends, jobs, and even romance. He knew a thing or two about that. Although, he could admit that those things were absent from his life out of his own volition. 

She sobs, “It’s been like that for years. God knows what I did, but...How am I supposed to convince God that I’m sorry -- that I regret the things I did?” 

_ How, indeed.  _

He had been wrestling with the same feelings for years. But he certainly couldn’t tell her that. Cringing inwardly, he repeated the words that Father Tekka would say to him:

“God knows our hearts. If you have regret, I’d venture to guess He’s already aware of it.”

He paused to let that sink in. With a voice that sounded much softer than he thought himself capable of, he continued. 

“However, God also knows that you haven’t been devoted to Him. Us Catholics like to practice Acts of Penance. Depending on the severity of your sins, I give you a prayer or an act of service to perform. These acts show God that you are devoted to cleansing your soul and to Him. So, if you’re comfortable telling me the sins you committed, I can suggest your Act of Penance.”

“And what if my sins are unforgivable? What then,” the girl whispered. 

The pain in her voice. That awful sound as air rushed out of her lungs as if it was running away from the turmoil inside her chest. It floated through the dappled screen concealing her face and sunk itself into his heart. He wished he could tell her about his past. Anything to make this poor soul not feel so alone. 

After clearing his throat, he said, “That’s the beauty of God; no sin is unforgivable in his eyes.”

He assumed she was considering his words because she grew quiet. Then, with a tremble in her voice, she began. 

“There was a boy. Well, more a man than a boy. He was a man of God. And he was  _ so beautiful.  _ I suppose that’s the first sin: lust. He was studying to become a church leader at the time…”

Father Ren’s throat tightened as she spoke. It couldn’t be. It was just a coincidence. A tragic coincidence. But as she continued, it all sounded so familiar— like flipping through the pages of his own life story. He began to hope. 

She described it all: the study sessions, the doubts she harbored, her lust for the man developing into something deeper.

At that moment, he  _ wanted _ it to be her. 

He  _ needed _ it to be her. 

Then she quoted Shakespeare…

He was transported back to that dorm room all those years ago. A shelf filled with the works of Shakespeare hung above a bed. On the bed sat a woman, cheeks flushed and breath panting as his hand made its way up her skirt.

...and he knew.

The sound of his bible slapping the ground broke him from his reverie. He could hardly hear her over the sound of blood pounding in his ears. But he continued to listen to her voice as if it was coming down from Heaven itself.

“One night, I took things too far. He finally gave in to my temptation. Then, he left so fast I -- Father, I truly thought I was helping him. I’ve never seen him since and I sit every day with this guilt and this fear that I ruined his life.  _ That _ is why God is punishing me and I don’t think there are  _ any _ Acts of Penance that can help me now,” she sobbed. 

Father Ren’s collar felt too tight as he fought back tears. He had feared for years what consequences came from him leaving her that day. Now, he was faced with the truth. The brilliant girl who turned his world upside down was sitting a foot away— a mere shell of herself. Tortured over what might have become of him.

He should be comforting her. He should be telling her none of it was her fault. He should be apologizing for making her question his fate all these years. He should be making it up to her for the rest of their lives. 

Wasn’t this exactly what he prayed for this morning? A sign to show him his purpose?

Here she was.

Father Ren quickly stood from his seat and exited his side of the booth. His robes fluttered around his ankles as he turned and laid a hand against the wood of the opposite door. After a steadying breath, he ripped the door open. 

God, she was a mess. Her hair was disheveled and piled at the top of her head. A ratty sweatshirt and leggings clung to her skin, darkened and damp from the rain. Tears were running down her cheeks, causing his own vision to blur at the corners. 

“Rey?” 

He knew damn well it was her. But she looked so broken. He wanted to ask her if she was alright, if she would let him hold her, if she could forgive him. In the end, all he managed to utter was her name. 

Her eyes widened as she looked him up and down. 

“Ben?”

It was the first time he heard that name in years. Lord, did it feel good to hear it come from her lips again. He wanted to hear her say it again and again. He slowly stepped closer to her. She backed up until her knees hit the seat of the confessional, causing her to sit with a gasp

Ben fell to his knees at her feet. His eyes burned with yet unshed tears. She looked down at him in awe. 

“Rey, you didn’t ruin my life. My sweet girl, you did nothing wrong. I’m so sorry that I put you through any pain,” he said, feeling an urge to lay his head in her lap like he did when his mother would comfort him. 

Instead, he stood and offered her his hand. 

“As miraculous as this is, we shouldn’t have the rest of this conversation in the middle of the church. Will you come with me, please?” 

Rey stared at his hand for a moment. He began to lose his nerve. Maybe she just wanted to clear her conscious of the nagging guilt so she could move on and live her life in peace. She certainly didn’t plan to come face to face with the cause of her guilt today.

Then he felt the warmth of her hand in his. 

* * *

It had been a challenge sneaking Rey up to his rooms in the rectory. A couple of his pastoral assistants had been drinking tea in the kitchen downstairs when they entered. Ben had rushed her upstairs before they took notice of her. 

He asked her to wait in his room while he cleared the assistants out. They quickly left when he requested they inform the church staff that he was feeling unwell. He boiled another pot of tea in silence before returning to his room. To Rey. 

She looked small sitting on his bed. Her gaze was directed out the window. When he placed the tea tray down on the table, her shoulders tensed. He removed the bulky robes that felt like chainmail weighing on his shoulders and hung them in the closet. 

Ben walked to the table and sat down, rubbing his face with his hand. He didn’t know where to start. How do they do this?

Rey quietly joined him at the table, curling herself into a chair and serving herself. She twirled a spoon in her tea, looked up to meet his eyes and said, “Remember when we used to sit like this at the diner?” 

“Yes. If I remember correctly, you were rain soaked back then too.”

A little blush tinged her cheeks as she brought her cup to her lips. “Only that one time,” she replied before taking a drink. 

“Once was enough,” Ben mumbled as he leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his hair, trying not to conjure up the image of her nipples peeking through her tank top.

Rey straightened up and said, “So, you did it. You really became a priest.”

It was a simple statement of fact. But it was packed full of curiosity. Ben could tell she wanted the whole story. He owed her that much. 

“Yes, I did. I took your advice and had my uncle help me get into seminary school. Father Snoke had me barred from most of them.” 

“Ugh, that miserable bastard. Please tell me he’s dead now.”

“As a door nail.” That earned him a little laugh from her. What a sweet sound. Ben hoped he’d hear more of it.

“And why did the nun call you Father Ren?”

“There was still a chance that Father Snoke could find me, so I changed my name to Ren. That’s the name I used when I took my vows, so,” he pointed a finger at himself, “Father Ren.” 

Rey smiled warmly at him and said, “You got your dream.”

Had he? Ben spent his days wearing the mask of a holy man. Sure, he helped people and that was rewarding...at times. But, in this position, he was cut off from the world in a way that no longer felt worth it. 

Rey took advantage of his silence. “I just need to know one more thing, Ben. Are you happy?” 

He almost laughed. Releasing a long breath through his nose, he answered, “No. I haven’t been happy since that night we…”

“So, I did ruin your life,” Rey exclaimed as she stood from the table and pointed down at him.

“God, Ben, I bared my fucking soul down there and you couldn’t even be honest with me!”

Ben stood and placed his hands gingerly on her shoulders. He softly said, “Let me finish. You didn’t ruin my life, Rey. I did that myself.”

Her brows furrowed. 

“That night, after we left Snoke’s and we...I saw the blood on my fingers and thought I had taken advantage. You trusted me to teach you and what did I do? I lost control and hurt you. You deserved to be treated better than that. You deserved better than me.”

“That’s not true,” he heard her whisper softly. “I wasn’t interested in bible study— you know that now. All I wanted was to get to know you. You were so good to me and all I did was lie over and over.  _ You _ deserved better than  _ me _ . I-I should’ve told you the truth back then, but I was scared. I didn’t think you would want me if you knew the truth.”

“Believe me, I wanted you. I still want you.”

Her head jerked up in surprise. With a soft tug, Ben encompassed her in his arms. 

“Rey, I’ve spent every day regretting leaving you,” he said into her hair. “I was so worried about you, sweetheart. I had nightmares about how I left you.”

She reached up and cupped his face. “Ben, it’s okay. I’m okay...kind of.” 

He huffed out something between a sigh and a laugh. Rey smiled up at him. “I’m probably going to Hell for asking a priest this, but is it alright if I kiss you?”

Before he could think of all the reasons why he should tell her no, Ben leaned down until he felt her lips brush his. They were so warm, so inviting. And,  _ God help him _ , she moaned. His resolve snapped. 

With a groan, Ben deepened the kiss. There was a cold dampness blooming where her body pressed against his, her rain-soaked clothes marrying his crisp, dry attire. He felt Rey’s fingers tangle into his hair, sending tingles down his back. Then his sweet girl opened her lips in a silent invitation. 

She tasted sweet; like the honey she added to her tea just moments ago. Her cold hands slid down to cup his jaw, then ventured lower to unbutton his shirt. That stopped him cold. 

“Wait,” Ben whispered, pulling her hands away from him. 

He pulled at his collar to release the white band that wrapped around his neck. Ben looked down at it in his hand. This scrap of fabric was the symbol of the life he had chosen back then. A life that no longer held as much promise as it once did. 

“Ben?”

When he looked back up, he expected Rey to look hurt, confused by him cutting off their moment of passion. Instead, she looked calm. Rey looked at him like she knew he had a decision to make. And she was going to let him take his time to make it. 

Ben turned and strode to the window. It creaked when he pushed it open to reveal the ground below. The rain had stopped and sunlight was glittering on the walkways through the courtyard. He took a moment to appreciate the change in weather. It felt as if a new day was beginning for the both of them. Ben looked at the collar in his hand once again before throwing it to the wind. 

“Ben, are you sure about this.” Rey asked behind him. 

He turned to her with a smile. “No. But, I am sure about one thing: I want to figure all this out with you by my side.” 

Her smile was radiant and the sight filled his chest with a heavy, warm sensation. Suddenly, Rey lunged at him and jumped into his arms. They both laughed as Ben carried them further in the room, away from the window. After placing quick kisses along his jaw, Rey whispered into his ear, “So, what’s the plan?”

Ben kissed her temple. “First, I plan to get you out these wet clothes. Then, I plan to finish what we started in your dorm seven years ago.”

He placed Rey down and lifted the hem of her sweatshirt over her head, revealing a sports bra that had seen better days. Ben slid a thumb under one of the staps. “Take this off and go sit on the bed.” 

Bless her, she did exactly as he said. Throwing her bra across the room, Rey let him take in the sight of her for just a moment before she turned and sat gingerly on the bed. Ben unbuttoned his shirt as she watched. His heart started racing when he stepped over to the bed and knelt down between Rey’s legs. 

He kissed her neck gently before moving down to pepper kisses across both of her shoulders. Praying her sharp intakes of breath were a good sign, he ventured even lower to her breasts. Ben pulled at the waistband of Rey’s leggings as he swirled his tongue around one tight peak. She lifted her hips and let out a gasp when he sucked it into his eager mouth. 

“So beautiful,” he whispered into her skin. 

After tossing her leggings behind his shoulder, Ben then ran his hands across her thighs, pushing them further apart. Trailing kisses down her stomach, Ben made his way to the small patch of curls at the bottom. He vowed to himself not to ruin this for her again. This time, he’d make sure she was ready for him. Ben watched Rey’s cheeks grow red and her breath go ragged before he dove in. 

He could tell she was doing her best to be quiet as he licked lazy patterns across her glistening sex. That wouldn’t do. He wanted to hear her break apart. With determination, Ben took her clit between his lips, now wet from her arousal, and sucked. Rey’s hips jerked and he pushed them back down into the mattress, continuing his attack against her throbbing core. 

How many years were his lips used only for prayer and blessings and communion? What a waste. This is what his mouth was truly made for: teasing her, tasting her, worshipping her.

“Oh god, Ben,” she panted. 

Ben couldn’t help himself. He looked up at her and said, “Him and I aren’t on speaking terms right now, love. Say my name and  _ my name only _ when you come.” 

“Mm, yes, Father,” she mewled teasingly. 

Ben continued his ministrations until he could feel her trembling, on the edge of reaching her climax. He removed one hand from her hips and teased her entrance with a finger. Rey moaned when he inserted his finger and began to pulse it back and forth. With a final curl of his finger inside her, Rey came with a scream that vaguely sounded like his name. 

“Good girl,” Ben crooned as he crawled back up to her lips and kissed her tenderly. Rey licked his lips. She could probably taste herself on them; the thought caused his cock to twitch. 

Rey’s hands pulled at his belt buckle and made quick work of removing his pants. Once free, he nestled his hips between her thighs. He paused. 

“Have you...”  _ Been with anyone since me?  _ A question he couldn’t quite manage to finish, but Rey got his meaning.

“Yes...a couple of times. Have you…?” 

Ben raised an eyebrow at her and they both started to laugh when she realized her mistake. Rey reached her hand between them and wrapped it around his aching cock. He grunted as she stroked up and down, spreading his precum down the length of him.

She guided him forward until the head of his cock was pressing against her. Ben’s mind went blank when he surged forward and buried himself inside her. Rey’s fingers dug into his shoulders. She was molten hot and so tight wrapped around him. He didn’t dare move, letting her adjust to his size. Ben focused on kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her lips instead. 

Finally, Rey relaxed and swirled her hips below him. 

“Ben, please move,” she begged. 

Every cell in his body wanted to rut into her with abandon, but he kept his pace measured. He worked her up slowly until she was a writhing mess beneath him. Rey tried to press her hips up to urge him to go faster, but he would not be swayed. Her breath was fanning across his neck and chest. Her moans began to sound almost pained to his ears. Ben finally took pity on her. Reaching between them, Ben found her clit and rubbed gentle circles. 

Ben was not prepared for the ecstasy of feeling Rey come around his cock. Her body clenched like a vice, trying to pull him deeper inside her. She cried his name out again. Hearing the name he hadn’t heard in years, being said in the throes of passion by the woman he adored finally cracked his control. The pressure built at the base of his spine and Ben pulled out of Rey quickly before spilling across her stomach. 

They laid in his bed panting for a few minutes. Ben grabbed his pants from the floor and used them to clean Rey’s stomach. Afterwards, she curled herself around him and rested her head on his chest. 

“Any regrets,” she asked tentatively. 

“Only that we didn’t do that sooner,” he quipped and he felt her body bounce as she giggled. 

“So, what now?” 

* * *

_ 6 months later… _

Rey could hardly see the floor of the apartment. Cardboard boxes littered the ground as she made her way to the kitchen. Once there, she found her new roommate unpacking drinking glasses. 

“I thought you gave up all your worldly possessions when you became a priest. How do you have so much stuff now?” 

Ben turned to her and smiled sheepishly. “Well, when I broke my vows, I went to the storage facility and reclaimed all my worldly possessions. You won’t be complaining when you discover the joy of eating off a real plate as you sit on a couch with actual throw pillows.” 

“Hm, there’s something else I’d like to do on that couch besides eat,” Rey teased as she slid her hands up his chest. 

“We’ll christen every surface of this apartment by the end of the week.” He emphasized his statement by gripping Rey’s backside and kissing her nose. 

The change in Ben was astounding. He was lighter, more carefree. The shadow that once marked his features had vanished. Rey felt a sense of pride knowing she played a part in that. After he broke away from the church, Ben was feeling lost. Unsure about what to do next. Rey was the one who suggested he look into becoming a counselor. Rey beamed recalling the day he came home declaring he was accepted as a hospice grief counselor. 

Ben was leading support groups three times a week and conducting private sessions every day for families of those in hospice care. He told Rey that his time there felt meaningful. It was a blessing that he still had the opportunity to help people, despite his leaving the church. 

Rey was still amazed by how much had changed. At one time, she thought her life was at a standstill. However, since reuniting with Ben, it was moving forward at a breakneck speed. When she was alone with her thoughts, Rey would imagine that in no time Ben would be asking her to marry him. Of course, she'd say yes. 

Maybe it was just a coincidence that they had found each other again that day, maybe it was fate, maybe it was God. They didn’t really know, nor did they dwell on it. All they did was commemorate that day with a small keepsake.

In their bedroom, there was a shelf filled with the works of Shakespeare. Above the shelf, hung a small frame. Inside the frame was a worn, water-stained scrap of paper that read:  _ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” _

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on Twitter: @MeedaWrites :)


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